What if the very act of trying to please everyone around you could be silently sabotaging your health? People pleasing in my opinion is just as toxic as taking, taking, taking – it’s just the other extreme side of the spectrum. It is an imbalance. Chronic giving can lead to unhealthy self-sacrifice at your own expense, depleting your energy and negatively impacting your health.
I’m not saying you can’t be a good person or even a saint for that matter, but there’s a distinction that will be a game-changer.
It’s time to break free from the cycle of people pleasing to reclaim your energy, time, and health.
In this post, we’re going to cover what people pleasing is, what science says about people pleasing impacting our health, the hard truth you might not want to hear (buckle up, buttercup), and most importantly, what to do about it starting today. And trust me, you’re still going to be a good, loving, spiritual person, I promise.
First I want to start with, it takes one to know one. I am a recovering “people pleaser” myself and it did, I believe, impact my health unknowingly. For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Cristy and after a decade with two autoimmune diseases, I am symptom-free, Pharma-free, and disease-free naturally for 8 years now. Chronic illness is so much more than the foods we eat and science is only on the precipice of revealing the mind-body connection in terms of our health. I believe, the mind, body, spirit connection is what really moves the needle in terms of addressing the root causes of illness and going beyond mere symptom management.
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and desires over your own, often at the expense of your well-being. It involves seeking approval and acceptance by conforming to what you think others want, which can lead to chronic giving—an ongoing pattern of overextending yourself to meet others’ expectations, often leaving you depleted and disconnected from your true self. This behavior can create an unhealthy imbalance, making it difficult to establish healthy boundaries and understanding your own needs.
Martyrdom Is Making You Sick
Women, in particular, have often been conditioned to people please through cultural, religious, and societal norms that emphasize selflessness, making it difficult for women to assert their own needs.
If you have not heard of Dr. Gabor Maté, his work is incredible and has given validation to the connection between emotional well-being and chronic illness. He has a few powerful quotes I want to share:
“Chronic illness in women often reflects the burden of emotional and psychological stressors, rooted in a history of self-sacrifice and the need to please others.” – Dr. Gabor Maté
“Women are socialized to be nice, to be accommodating, to take care of others, and that leads to a sense of self that is often disconnected from their true feelings and needs.” – Dr. Gabor Maté
We, especially as women, often over give. While giving can be beautiful, too much can become toxic. It’s crucial to bring awareness to where your energy is going—physically, mentally, and spiritually.
What science says about people pleasing.
Research indicates that people pleasing can have several negative impacts on our health:
- Increased Stress and Anxiety: Constantly trying to meet others’ expectations can lead to chronic stress. Stress triggers the release of cortisol, which, when elevated over long periods, can contribute to anxiety and depression.
- Burnout: People pleasers often take on more responsibilities than they can handle, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion. This can result in burnout, and fatigue.
- Poor Self-Esteem: Prioritizing others’ needs over one’s own can undermine self-worth. People pleasers may struggle with self-identity and feel unfulfilled, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
- Physical Health Issues: Chronic stress from people pleasing can manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive issues, and weakened immune function, making individuals more susceptible to illness.
- Relationship Strain: While trying to please everyone, people pleasers may neglect their own needs, leading to resentment and strained, even inauthentic relationships.
- Suppressed Feelings: Feelings like anger and sadness often remain unexpressed, leading to a buildup of emotional tension that can manifest as physical symptoms or chronic illness.
- Life Satisfaction: People pleasers often find themselves unhappy because they focus on external validation rather than internal fulfillment.
The hard truth about people pleasing.
As if that laundry list was not bad enough. Are you ready for the hard truth?
People pleasing is inauthentic and can even be manipulative in nature. It often stems from a desire for acceptance and approval, but it can lead us away from our true selves. Being who we are regardless of what people think. While on the surface it seems well-intentioned to people please, deep down it seeks to influence how others perceive us or encourage them to act in ways that align with our desires. When we prioritize others’ feelings over our own – it can feel “noble”, but instead, we lose sight of who we really are and what we genuinely need, creating a cycle of inauthenticity that ultimately undermines our own well-being.
The Important Distinction for the “Saints”.
It’s important to note that not all giving leads to depletion. Giving is a beautiful thing, but I think we’ve established people pleasing is not beautiful. But, You can still be a saint. Take Mother Teresa, for example. Her life was dedicated to serving others, yet she was able to give from a place of strength and abundance. She found authentic joy and fulfillment in her service, which fueled her energy rather than draining it.
The key distinction here is intention. When we give authentically, from a full cup, we’re not sacrificing our well-being. Instead, we’re enhancing our energy and the lives of those around us. But when we give to please others feeling obligated, we risk depleting ourselves. It’s about recognizing the difference between nourishing others from our abundance versus emptying ourselves to meet demands.
And although there are exemplary saints, sages, and swamis throughout history, they were not weak, they were strong. Dare I say, a force to reckon with.
What to do about people pleasing.
Sometimes, we’re unaware we have people pleasing patterns – they may be automatic, what we were raised doing, culturally, religiously, and even unconsciously, but if you’re knowingly volunteering your energy and overexerting yourself, it’s time to make some adjustments.
First thing is, bring awareness to where your energy is going—physically, mentally, and spiritually. Journaling specifically can help you uncover those subconscious thoughts, patterns, and beliefs. If you want to learn more about journaling or how to start – check out my video “how to journal”, linked here.
Here are a few journaling prompts to consider to get to the bottom of what is driving your behaviors so you can work towards changing your relationship with people pleasing:
- Why are you exhausted?
- Are you a one-person show at home or work?
- Do you take on what isn’t yours to take on?
- Are your habits, your relationships, and your environment truly serving you?
- Are you giving what you don’t have?
- Are you prioritizing yourself? If not, why?
- What about self-prioritization makes you uncomfortable?
- Are you volunteering when you are out of gas?
- Do you protect your inner peace?
- Do you allow others to dump their emotions, problems, responsibilities, and work on you?
- Are you absorbing the stress of others?
- Do you feel bad doing things for yourself, setting boundaries, or saying no?
And if you are people pleasing voluntarily, ask yourself: Does my self-worth depend on how much I give to others?
Embrace Your True Self
To nurture your health, it’s essential to explore and embrace your true self. Start by asking yourself reflective questions about your own needs and desires. Create space for stillness through meditation or dive into your subconscious thoughts through journaling, where you can safely uncover your feelings. Seeking support from a therapist can also provide a compassionate environment for this exploration. By prioritizing and building upon authenticity, you empower yourself to reclaim your health and cultivate a life that resonates with who you truly are.
In my health coaching practice, I have seen a common thread of women with chronic illness having an imbalance with people pleasing and chronic giving. You can learn about different ways to work with me by clicking this link. I help you move past a life a symptom management and overcome symptoms and disease naturally by addressing the root causes of inflammation holistically- mentally, physically, and spiritually.
You are valuable, worthy, and lovable as you are without needing to do things for others. When we reclaim a healthy balance of giving and taking, we not only regain our energy but also our authenticity and our health.
